We all know the thought of a Trump presidency makes us literally pee in our pants. (Or is that just me? Maybe I should get that checked out.) Anyways, I have compiled some great and helpful tips for if the phrase “President Donald J. Trump” is ever a thing:
Move to Canada? No—don’t be a wimp! Move to Antarctica. That’ll really show him.
Call the White House’s phone number and ask to speak to President Trump so many times that they’ll have no choice but to transfer your call to him. I hear that’s how that works. Then really let him have it.
Boycott staying at his hotels. Just kidding. They’re way too cool to not go to. We all know that’s just not an option.
Complain about it all the time to your coworkers. They can really do a lot to change the situation, and they’ll love to hear you talk about it nonstop.
Buy all of the “Make America Great Again” hats there are in existence and change them to: “Make America Great Again? More Like Make America THE WORST ‘Cause Trump Stinks.” That will fit on a hat, right?
Pretend it just isn’t happening—the best way to deal with all of life’s problems.
Start acting really weird around all of your Trump-supporting friends. Not like mean or anything, just sort of removed and distant so they know something definitely is up. They’ll be extremely concerned, and it will keep them up at night thinking about what they could have done wrong. If they really care about you, they’ll change their mind and not vote for him.
Lose all hope in humanity… Too morbid?
As for Hillary Clinton, avoid making eye contact with her ever. Even if she’s just on TV. I’m not sure if it’s passion or rage or whatever, but those peepers are terrifying.
Important government tech people, this one’s for you: figure this whole email thing out. We don’t care anymore! At this rate, she’s going to have another million unclassified emails that get released before the New Year, so just make this whole thing stop happening over and over again…unless one of them contains a check with a large sum of money. Then forward that email to me.
Just for Bill’s sake, remove all attractive women from the White House. Actually, just remove all the women. We can’t afford another scandal.
Hillary, this one’s for you: just because Bernie was able to appeal to many millennials doesn’t mean that you now just get all of them. Sure, there are some that will come support you now, but you’ve got to stop with the whole “selling out to the young voters” thing. You saying that you carry hot sauce in your purse doesn’t make you more relatable, it just makes me really want to go to Taco Bell.
Ethan is a senior English major from Crawfordsville, Indiana.